Title: DEAR SYNDICATE NOUVEAU Author: Jean Robinson (jeanrobinson@yahoo.com) Disclaimer: Characters from the X-Files are the property of Ten Thirteen Productions and the Fox Television Network. All others are the property of the author. No infringement is intended. Rating: PG Classification: V, H Archive: Please ask permission Spoilers: FTF Summary: A candidate's response to "Dear Applicant" by Jill Selby. To fully understand the following story, please read Jill's first at http://members.sockets.net/~msselby/dearapp.txt Feedback: Gratefully appreciated at jeanrobinson@yahoo.com Author's notes at the end ***************************** DEAR SYNDICATE NOUVEAU By Jean Robinson June 22, 1999 Dear Mr. Fowley: Thank you for your prompt response to my application for employment with Syndicate Nouveau. I enjoyed interviewing with your company immensely, and was looking forward to a challenging new position in your World Domination division. It was with utter dismay, then, that upon reading your letter I discovered I had been disqualified after the final round of interviews and evaluations. When I first sought employment at Syndicate Nouveau, I thought I had expressed my wishes quite clearly. Apparently, I was not explicit enough when I stated my intention to join your company, so I am now forced to express myself in more blatant terms. Hire me, or you die. In case you should mistakenly view this as an idle threat from a disgruntled and rejected candidate, please read on. I was quite pleased to see that the Vice President of Population Truncation was impressed by my proposal for a Post-It Note delivery system for fatal toxins. You don't suppose I'd just give that idea away without a trial, did you? I was so sorry to hear about the death of this man's secretary; someone should have warned her that those "little notes" on correspondence should really only be removed by those to whom they are addressed - and then only with latex gloves. As for more predictable alternative disease vectors, may I suggest that instead of wasting time on moose and bunny research, you simply install a few mouse traps in your own building. The virulent virus strain present in the Mus musculus that could hypothetically be found to inhabit your offices might prove quite. . . interesting. . . for your research teams. If you don't mind another piece of advice from someone whose opinions you consider as "absurd" and "potentially dangerous," I would also encourage the pest control company you engage for this project to don Level 4 biohazard suits before attempting the capture of these rodents. Again, I was flattered that you embraced my proposition to embed lethal bacteria into laser print. As you may have guessed by now, the real test of this "innovation," as you call it, is already underway, involving anyone who has shared office space with my resume and cover letter. I know it's tempting to believe that you're all just suffering from some bug that's just "going around." It's a bug, all right, and it's going around, but don't think it's going to stop any time soon. You'll get the formula for the antidote - when I get my letter of acceptance and starting salary quote. Until that time, it would be prudent to advise your company HMO to expect a sudden increase in cases presenting symptoms that may include, but are not limited to: lancinating chest pains, thready pulse, impaired motor functions and faulty sense of taste, culminating in curdled chartreuse blood. Finally, there is the annoying and insulting situation wherein you have the gall to question not only my eyesight, but my judgment. I refer, of course, to the videotape that you insist is damaged and "smudged." I have been assured by my optometrist that while my uncorrected eyesight is flawed, when I wear my wire-rim glasses I can see with perfect clarity. It is obvious to me that you and Syndicate Nouveau are the ones wearing the blinders, and I suggest you remove them immediately if your intent is to survive until the start of Season 7. Yes, Special Agent Fox Mulder is a threat. Now ask yourself why. Because he wants to find his sister? No. Both you and I are well aware that, despite his intelligence, his education and his FBI training, Agent Mulder couldn't find his ass with both hands and one of those idiotically large flashlights he habitually carries. The man can't even hold onto his weapon for more than 10 seconds at a stretch, for heaven's sake. Because he wants revenge for the murder of his father, former employee of Syndicate Nouveau? No. There are numerous written accounts of Agent Mulder's father, most of which document assorted episodes of child abuse, alcoholism, possible drug use, adultery, and incidents of treason. If you wish to view these accounts, they can be located at the URL http://fluky.gossamer.org, under the search term "pre- X-Files." Syndicate Nouveau's decision to terminate Mr. Mulder, Sr.'s employment contract was regrettable, but necessary. Because he wants to find the Truth? No. Agent Mulder, as anyone who knows him has witnessed, bounces from one insane theory regarding Syndicate Nouveau's corporate mission statement to another with the speed and accuracy of a ping pong ball in a cement mixer. Quite frankly, Agent Mulder wouldn't recognize the Truth if it stepped up and introduced itself to him. However, Agent Mulder does have one paralyzing weakness, which you failed to fully exploit on no less than four occasions. In any other organization of such scope and power, this would be considered grounds for immediate dismissal. I take it this is the main reason that several members of your Board of Directors were recently the unfortunate victims of a hostile takeover situation. But I digress. Agent Mulder's flaw involves that which you persist in referring to as a "smudge" on the alleged distorted videotape, namely one Special Agent Dana K. Scully, M.D. Never mind killing Agent Mulder to halt his investigations into your upcoming plans. Touch one titian hair on Agent Scully's head and you risk turning one man's quest into a crusade. I direct you to attachment A, the FBI travel expense report submitted by Agent Mulder for the retrieval and recovery of Agent Scully from your Antarctica facility approximately one year ago. The total bill for this endeavor added up to nearly $900,000. Considering that Agent Mulder willingly and willfully spent such an egregious sum of taxpayer dollars to extricate his partner from the Syndicate Nouveau's Corporate Medical Research Exchange Program (he apparently thought you had infected her, kidnapped her and were performing heinous experiments on her person without her consent - for the second time) what do you think he'll do if you even blink in her direction again? With that in mind, if you don't accept me for the advertised position immediately, I'll reveal your corporate headquarters' location to him, along with parking instructions and my visitor pass. Assuming the mice haven't killed you all off yet, of course. I thank you in advance for the forthcoming job offer. I look forward to a long and successful tenure with your company, and I assure you that you have made the right decision in hiring me. As long as you don't forget that it's really all about Agent Scully. Sincerely, J. Robinson, Extremely Vindictive Woman End Author's notes: Thanks to Marguerite for allowing me to borrow the FTF cost estimate from her story "Worth Her Weight," and to Jill, who wrote a Consortium letter that just begged to be answered in kind.